Photography use to inspire me, now it breaks my heart. I find myself avoiding my camera. I am afraid of failure. I already feel as though I have failed.
I have worked so hard to be successful. Gone to school, taken business classes, gone to WPPI two years in a row, applied for dream jobs, offered my take friends pictures for little to nothing to build a portfolio. (I’m amazes at how many “friends” wouldn’t even make time for me when I offered to do pictures for free) It appears like every path I take ends in heartbreak, wither that be working for someone else or building my own business. It appears that the Universe does not agree with my dreams.
Last year I won a scholarship to my dream school (the Brooks Institute) but then they canceled the program. Informing me that if I did not make it to the last session my scholarship would no longer stand and although moving to California and attending my dream school is obviously a HUGE dream of mine I had 2 weeks to do it which was not enough time.
I do not like to focus on a bad, truly I don’t. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Could that reason possibly be that I am not meant to be a photographer? That there is something else my life is destine for? I am finally starting to believe that might be the case, but it is still so hard to let go of a dream I have had since high school.
Being in the darkroom, seeing my photos use to excite me. It would light a fire in my heart and occasionally that still happens but it is rare. As I am typing these words my heart is breaking because I know deep down the truth I do not want to accept.
